Tina, Let’s Think Logically. August 2, 2010

Okay. Let’s look at this whole situation logically, from a completely un-biased perspective. (As unbiased as I can be, given I’m one of the main characters in the situation.) So, let’s just say, for arguments sake, that Michael is telling the absolute truth, and I made up a rumor that he kissed me, that we were hanging out, that he liked me, etc etc. Let’s just say, that IS the case, then what would that mean? How would that make sense?

First of all, why the hell would I do that? I really can’t think of any justifiable logical reason to make up something like that, but for the sake of argument, here are some possible reasons others might come up with:
*For my “rep” – well no one really cares about how cool you are in college, and actually, everyone who knows Michael (at work and school) think he’s a loser, so it actually would have hurt my image, rather then help. (He is the furthest thing from Mr. Popular Jock)
*To fit in – None of my friends have boyfriends, so I had no reason to fit in, and the same reason as above applies here too.
And, if I had made it up for either of the above two reasons, why would I hold on to it for this long? If I had made it all up, don’t you think I would have gotten over it/let it go a long time ago? Because it sure as heck ain’t helping my image or making anyone think better of me. Instead, they all just think I’m a crazy lunitic who can’t get over her first love.
Second Question, Why would I be so angry and hateful, if I had made it up and he had done nothing?
*Don’t you think, if I had made it up, and he never kissed me, let me spend the night, etc, that I would be more angry at myself? I wouldn’t have any reason to cuss out his car or be tempted to poison his dog.

And then of course, the main and extremely obvious reason that Tina would think I made this up, is to get her to break up with him. Well, I think it’s been pretty well established that I hate his guts and do not want to date him ever ever ever ever or see him ever again. (For fear I may end up in jail for murder). And more importantly, I think Tina knows more then anyone, Michael hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever ever ever ever again either. So pushing the kissing issue now for them to break-up would be completely pointless because I have absolutely nothing to gain from that. Yet, I am still sticking to my story, still pushing it.

I am not lying. About anything. He kissed me. September 15^th, 7:00 pm. On his bed in his apartment off MacArthur. But, even if, I had made that part up for some reason, every other indicator proves he still did things Tina would not approve of. Ask anyone at work. After she went back to college, ask anyone if they ever saw him and I leave or arrive together in the same vehicle. Ask anyone if they saw us go outside alone in the dark and play in the rain and do our laundry together. He admitted to them that we spent the night together. Do you think we would have spent the night together as “just friends” and not crossed any lines? Ask people at OBU who saw us sit together in chapel, who saw me wearing his shirt, who saw us walking around campus. Ask my mom, sister, or my mom’s roommate who saw Michael and I go get his dog a hair cut at PetSmart. He went to my house and we ate brownies. If we were just friends, why wouldn’t he tell Tina about that? Ask my roommate who saw him come up to our dorm and help me put things away. Ask her how I was missing on certain nights. Look at his phone bill and see how he called me several times during the months of August and September. Look online at the geocaching website and see our logs from September 13^th, the day we took the dog for the haircut and went geocaching in Bricktown. Look at his credit card bill and see how he paid for our dinner from Chilis on September 15^th, the day he kissed me. I typed up most of the text messages him and I exchanged. God I would kill to get those back on my phone, I wish I hadn’t erased them! Because typing them doesn’t prove that he actually sent them…except on the word document on my computer you can see that those documents were all created in August 2009 and you can read that none of them have been modified since the original date of creation. And all those messages typed there coincide perfectly with the story I’ve been telling since then. So either I am a mentally insane, psychopath and I have been planning and scheming this whole big thing, for whatever reason, for a year now, OR, it actually happened and I’m telling the truth.

I wish I could just talk to her. Face to face. For just sixty seconds. I just know, if she would see me, she would understand. She would know I’m telling the truth. She would know I regret it terribly, and I mean every word I have said to her, and she would see that I am not lying.

I Flip off Every Black Kia I Drive By, Just In Case it’s You July 19, 2010

I miss him so much I think I’m going to die. I miss him so much I wish I could die. I don’t want him back. I’m mad at him – I hate him! I hate him for lying to me and for lying to her. I hate him for inviting me over that night. I hate him for cheating, for “test-driving” me to see what he really wanted. I hate him for kissing me when he didn’t mean it. I hate him for holding me in a way I have never been held. I hate him for not talking to me and being a jerk. I hate him for being selfish and always thinking about money.

But, I still miss last summer. I don’t miss HIM, and I don’t want him back, but when I’m sitting at work playing on my phone or doing puzzles, I feel so lame. I feel so dull. I remember what last year was like – how last year at this time I would be playing guitar hero with him or creating ice balls for the kids, or taking them to the park down the street. I remember how my heart would race when I would turn the corner and see that damn red jeep and how I would count down the seconds until I could work with him again. THAT’S what I miss. I miss that friendship. I miss the snow cone runs and the green tea he would make me at night and the S’mores and the texting while sitting right next to each other. That’s what I’m grieving, the friendship. I was just getting to the part where I wasn’t thinking about him, but then summer started and I was thrown back into a world of memories and comparisons to this year. And it sucks.

I wish he would fall in a hole. I wish his car would spontaneously combust with him inside. I wish he would get food poisoning. I wish he would lose his job, and get bleach on all his clothes. I wish a gigantic elephant would crush all of his tea and he would scream in slow motion  “NOOOOOOOOO!” I wish everything that ever meant anything to him was taken away. I wish his balls would fall off and I wish his dog would get hit by a car. Okay, well maybe not the dog – she didn’t do anything.

Like a Mirage in the Desert May 31, 2010

Have you ever had that experience where you are somewhere ordinary, doing an ordinary thing, like shopping at a grocery store or walking down the hall to the movie theatre and you think you see someone you know, a specific person that you’ve been missing, and all at once you freeze and think ohmygod it’s so-and-so!

I’m always amazed at how time can freeze in your brain and ten thousand thoughts can play themselves out and be planned when only a matter of seconds has passed by in real time.

I thought should I dump my Dr. Pepper on her? Should I run? Should I run to her or away from her? Should I scream? Should I fall on the floor and fake pass out? And your heart starts to pick up the pace, and your palms get sweaty, and your blood is pumping ninety miles an hour, but all in a moments time before any of those thoughts could be acted on, the realization hits that the person you are seeing is, in reality, a complete stranger with unplaceable resemblances between themselves and whoever you thought it actually was; and then you are overcome with both disappointment and relief and don’t know which one to feel better about. And then, after all that fades…you just have grief. Realizing, you are still grieving that person…even though it’s been two years now.

And you don’t know if you really want to see them or not.

It’s Lightening! I’m Scared! **bats eyelashes** May 31, 2010

Man, I’m an idiot. It was a night much like tonight. Lightening was lighting up the sky and muffled thunder was rolling in the background. I left work and stood in the parking lot next to him. “It’s lightning! I’m scared” I said. He was thinking. I knew he was thinking about letting me come over. I knew it. And I wanted him to let me so bad. And then he opened his mouth and invited me over.

I wish it had never stormed that night. I wish I had never opened my big fat flirty mouth. I wish he hadn’t thought about it. I wish he had gotten in his car and driven away. I wish I had said no. I wish I had gone home.

But none of those wishes came true and now I’m just here wishing even more things…like…I wish I could kill him. But I know I would get caught and I really don’t want to be in jail for the rest of my life. But I still wish I could. I wish I could stab him and watch him bleed and watch him suffer and feel all the pain he made me feel. I wish I could betray him the way he betrayed me. I wish I could literally cut his tiny penis off and watch him cry. I wish I could slash his tires and get him fired from work and set his house on fire. But, I won’t do any of those things, of course, because, like I said, he would know who did them and I KNOW I would get caught because I usually get caught when I do bad things…ug. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?! I am usually not this hateful. I’ve hated people before, I’ve even wished people dead before, but my thoughts towards this man are pure evil. I’m ashamed that I’m even thinking them. I should just let it go, “he’s not worth it” and all that stuff people say…but he hurt me so bad. I wish I could give him even just a tiny piece of the pain he’s given me. But nothing would be enough. Even if I could do every vengeful thing, it wouldn’t be enough to make him hurt the way I have. He is just a selfish, stupid, pussybitch. Yes, pussybitch. No, I don’t know what that means but his roommate made it up and I like it. Because it describes him so perfectly. Pussybitch.

That Purple Ring May 26, 2010

I can’t believe it. I can’t. I totally can’t believe it. Tina blocked me on facebook. Blocked me. Because I unblocked her and sent her a message. It hurts so much. I so badly wanted to be friends with her, and hang out together and make “Michael has a small penis” shirts with her. I am so hurt. I was aware while I was unblocking her that there was a possibility this would happen. But I thought surely not. I guess I was willing to take the risk.

My mom told me that some people want to be married more then they want to know the truth. She said some people would rather just cover things up and pretend they aren’t there then to take the truth and deal with it. Because dealing with things is painful. I seem to run head first into pain.

Poor Tina. I sure as heck hope that ten years down the road in their marriage she doesn’t walk in on him fucking some other girl. I hope he’s learned from this and he keeps his act straight from now on. I’m not being sarcastic, I really do hope he’s a good man to her and she’s happy.

This is the ring Tina gave me when we went out bowling and laser tagging and she bought me a drink at Jamba Juice

Should Have Said No May 25, 2010

Playlist for the Evening:

Cheater cheater~ Joey and Rory
Should Have Said No ~ Taylor Swift
Best Days of Your Life ~ Kellie Pickler
Since You’ve Been Gone ~ Kelly Clarkson
Picture To Burn ~ Taylor Swift
Lesson in Leavin’ ~ Jo De Messina
Never Again ~ Kelly Clarkson
She Let Herself Go ~ George Straight
Single Ladies ~ Beyoncé

Taylor Swift’s “Should have said No” is how I feel. I should have said no. I should have gone home. I should have thought twice before I let it all go.  She should have been there in the back of his mind, he shouldn’t be asking himself why.

I know I wasn’t cheated on…I was the “cheatee” but I still feel betrayed, lied to, rejected, used, and angry as I imagine girls who are cheated on feel. Let me tell you girls ITS SOOO NOT WORTH IT. Don’t ever ever ever EVER stay with a man who has another girl. EVER. He will not leave her, even if he says he will. AND even if he does, he cheated with you, he’s going to cheat ON you too. I know so many people have told me that before but I kept thinking Michael was different. I kept thinking he wasn’t cheating, he was just “confused.” I kept on thinking he really meant what he said, and he really was going to make a choice soon and he wasn’t trying to do anything wrong. If only I could have stopped being so smitten by him for just one second to see him for who he really is! He’s a lazy, lying, cheating, selfish, insecure man.

I was wrong this whole time. Well, not wrong, I just never saw the  whole picture. Tina is NOT controlling or mean to Michael…Michael just doesn’t do anything on his own! He won’t pay his rent! He won’t get  out of bed! He won’t go to class! He won’t let his dog out! Someone  HAS to, as his roommate says, “grab him by the balls” and lead him  places because he’s won’t do anything! Tina HAD to be somewhat authoritative because SOMEONE has  to bring home the bacon and it sure ain’t him. She deserves better.  She deserves a MAN. And so do I.

He used to seem so beautiful to me, but now I just can’t even imagine why. He is lying, to try and protect his own butt, I honestly cannot believe it. I have an entire list of proof. He didn’t cover up his tracks. How did he think he would get away with this? I used to swoon over his brown eyes, but now they just seem dark and deciteful. I used to love his sensitive side, but now I just realize he’s insecure and a big baby.

I’m not really sure what’s going on with Tina as far as communicating with me. I talked to her a little bit and we text back and forth for a few days but now she’s stopped. I’m sure she’s just busy or something and I’m trying to be patient, but I really suck at it. And the thing is, Michael is so good at what he does. He’s a smooth talker. He knows what he is freaking doing with girls! It’s insane! He knows all the right things to say! When I was at his house one night and he was rubbing my back, he wrapped his legs around mine and just started tracing my face with his fingers. UG! He could have had absolutely anything he wanted from me in that moment. Right after things had happened between him and I, I saw he  posted on Tina’s profile this link that said “Dont be so hard on  yourself, I’ll always love you.” Made me sick! He knows exactly what to do to make any girl squeal. He’s a good liar.

If too much time goes by, he’s going to just sweet talk his way right  out of this with her. Which, I’ve already said is fine, because I
don’t care what happens, I just wanted Tina to know the truth. Because I would want someone to tell me. And I just didn’t want for them to get married and then have this somehow come up three years down the road and for Tina to think “why didn’t anyone tell me!?” So that’s why I told. If Tina and I happened to be able to be friends out of the this, then that would be really great with me. But if not, I suppose I cculd live with that too.

Anyways. I’m glad I finally told her and I’m glad she listened.
Whatever happens is completely out of my control now.

Some Days, I Just Wish I Hadn’t Screwed My Life Over May 21, 2010

For the first time, I regret it. I flat out regret it. I kept on saying I would be a girl who didn’t regret things – like even if I made big mistakes I would be proud that they happened, remember the good parts of them and learn from the bad. But this was too big of a mistake. Bad ideas just don’t seem so cool to me tonight. If I had the chance right now I would hit him. I do not deserve what happened to me – I do not deserve to be treated like a pile of poop. I did not lie. I did not make up one part of what happened . I never meant for this to happen, I never meant to screw my life over like this. I never meant to get myself hurt.

HE LIED. HE CHEATED. HE MADE UP A STORY! And WHO ended up hurt and alone? me.

Okay, I decided to talk to Tina (I know, I know, I’m crazy. But I liked having her friendship and I would want someone to tell me the truth if I was in her position.) It took me a few weeks to finally get her number, and then a few more to build up the guts to do it. I text her three days ago and told her that I wanted to talk. She asked who it was. I didn’t want to tell her, so I just said, “Let me talk to you, for just two minutes please.” I figured she wouldn’t respond so I text a few more times and then left it alone. But then yesterday she text me back and told me she would talk to me. She said she tried to call. I was ecstatic! To finally be able to talk to her and tell her the truth and hopefully make her not hate me!

So I told her. And it hurt. A lot. It hurt me remembering it, and texting her details and reminiscing. It hurt me remembering what happened, and it hurt me knowing he told her I made it up. And it hurt her. A lot. I feel so awful for her. I can’t even imagine. And I don’t even know if she believes me. And it doesn’t even matter what she believes, I just had to do my part to tell her. I felt I had to be fair…but now I stirred everything up again and now I’m back to staying up all night crying desperately over him and wondering what I did wrong and why I’m not good enough and whaling about how I’ll never find another.

I thought it would feel better, ya know, to get it off my chest. And it did, in a way I guess, but not in the way I thought. I thought maybe Tina and I could be friends. Or I thought maybe then I could finally let go of all of this and then move on. But nope. Instead it just sucks. And I’m just sitting here in my big pile of suckiness life.

This was the day he kissed me, that was the shirt he was wearing

I AM a Bad Idea. And I Always Will Be. May 20, 2010

I don’t get it. I heard someone say the wedding date was set for some time in December of this year, but then his facebook says “date undecided but in January of 2011.” One of my friends that I grew up with, but we were never extremely close, is getting married this June, and she MET the boy in January! That means from the time they MET and the time they are getting MARRIED is a total of 6 MONTHS! Insane! haha but she is a very smart girl and not one to make rash decisions, and she said she knows that she knows that he is the right one. And I’ve heard of lots of people doing that, and there relationships end up well!

I’m not saying Michael and Tina should jump on the band wagon and get married in two weeks, but I’m just saying…if they really do like each other so much…and they both want to marry each other…why do they keep putting it off?? Why not at the end of this summer? One of my friends ALSO told me he was planning the entire wedding. Which doesn’t really make sense to me at all since everyone views the relationship as her being controlling and bringing home the bacon and convincing him to marry her, etc.

If I met a boy, like Michael except for not a liar and single, I wouldn’t want to wait two or three years…just sayin’

Anyways, the whole thing just has me a bit confused. And, if I may be so bold, I just don’t think they love each other. Because if they did, he would be honest with her and tell her what really happened. But I suppose it’s really none of my business anyways.

I did something else pretty drastic/crazy but I’m going to wait a few days to blog about it because I want to see how it will all pan out. It doesn’t matter how it turns out though, because either way I’m sticking true to my promise/swear that I am out of the picture. Completely. I wouldn’t want him back now anyways because of the betrayal from him lying. And it’s odd because I never really thought I would say that. I think I’m getting healthier YIPPEE!

Water Fountains or Drinking Fountains May 19, 2010

It’s been a long time and I avoided getting on here at all because I suppose I just wanted to not think about it. I’m really good about not thinking about it all day, and then, at night it taunts me. I lay there and I think about all the injustice. What the heck did I do to deserve this? Why did God even bring him into my life if he knew this would happen? What should I have done differently? It would have been better to have never loved at all then to have loved and lost.

“I got a drink out of the drinking fountain, and I…”
“Wait, the WHAT?” he interrupted me.
“The drinking fountain”
“You mean water fountain?” he said as if I were stupid.
“What’s the difference?”
“You only get WATER out of the WATER fountain! If you could get Sprite or coke or water THEN it would be a drinking fountain!”

Fine Michael. Whatever you say. One of the last civil conversations we had, right before Spring Break. All the sudden, he just dropped off the edge of the earth. He promised he would never do that. He promised me the world was round. He promised me he wouldn’t leave! I told him one time, “Michael, if you wake up one morning and you decide you love her and you want to marry her, that’s fine, I just still want to be in your life.” AND HE SAID, “I don’t ever see that happening.” Maybe he misunderstood my statement. Maybe he suffered a brain injury that temporarily impaired his HONESTY!

It’s nights like this that I remember, I remember WHY I love Michael Wood. I remember it so clearly. And other times its all so hazy. We were on the swing set outside in my backyard. I was 4. We were just playing like kids do. He asked me if I knew what sex was. I told him no. He kissed me, then told me to lie down and I did. He got on top of me and kissed me. He took off my shirt and kissed me more. He told me to put my shirt back on and go inside. He told my parents we were going to play in my room. He told me not to tell my parents because they would be mad at me and I would get in trouble. He told me to take all my clothes off. And I did. His skin was fire. When he touched me in burned. My brother was the one who found me – he came up to my room to check on me and he saw what we were doing. My brother yelled and then there was a bunch of chaos. I remember my mom running into my room and grabbing me and carrying me to her room. She told me to put my clothes back on and not move. She made me stay in her room for hours. I heard people yelling downstairs. I cried. I was so scared. I was so alone. I didn’t know what happened. I felt guilty and ashamed and humiliated.

I have forgiven my cousin who did this when I was four. I don’t hate him. I feel sorry for him. I still see him from time to time at family gatherings but it’s okay. We talk about school and stuff and I pray that he is a better person now. I think he is.

I haven’t thought about that day in a long long time. But I just never realized how much it affected me. How much it shaped me. But it’s times like these when I think it has nothing to do with anything that I realize – it has everything to do with Michael. That has to do with why I idolize him. And why I can’t let go.

It was September 15^th, a Tuesday night. I was over at Michael’s apartment. He had invited me over, we went to Chilis. I laid on him and he held me. I’ll never ever forget the way his touch felt. Never. It didn’t burn like my cousins. It was soft and gentle and it made me feel so safe and loved and fulfilled. He kissed me once. Just one little soft kiss. I wrapped my legs around him and I wanted nothing more then for him to make hot passionate love to me.  He kissed me more, a little more eagerly, but not hard, and I got scared. All of the sudden I felt trapped. Completely and utterly helpless. He was on top of me, he was bigger then me and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I put my hands on his chest and I said “Stop. Break up with your girlfriend and you can kiss me all you want.”

And then. He stopped. And he got off of me. I’m crying even now as I write this, I can’t even express what that did to me. He showed me. He showed me not all men are pigs. Not all men will take advantage of you any chance they get. Not all men won’t let you say no. Not all men are power-hungry and aggressive. And for that, I will for all of eternity, forever, utterly and entirely, inconceivably, always, love Michael Wood.

Abandon Ship March 11, 2010

This is not called closure. This is called re-opening wounds. But, in all fairness, I suppose I was never really after closure afterall. I suppose I lied. In all the other posts I said “I just want to be friends with him, I don’t care, he can marry her, blah blah blah” but what I REALLY meant was “I want him to be friends with me so maybe…just maybe…he’ll get confused again and maybe we could be more then friends again.” That’s what I wanted but not what I said. And be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it.

UG! If I had known I was going to get what I asked for I would have asked for him on his knee with a diamond ring, personalized Jones sodas and daisies. But NO, I asked for friendship and WHAM that’s what I got!

Michael and I are friends. Sorta of. I mean…of course it’s a lot more complicated then that.

Let me some up the past month and a half: Michael needed money for school so my head fell off of course and I begged my mother to drive to my school and co-sign on a loan for him and I got to spend the whole day with him and it was amazing and I was walking on clouds and then we even went out to eat afterwards, of course getting my hopes up that things weren’t over. THEN the loan didn’t work out because it was too late and Michael missed the deadline, so he’s not even going to my college anymore or any college at all and his roommate is my bff and tells me that he does nothing all day, just sits there and sleeps and does nothing, so I started going over like once a week and eating lunch with him and taking him shopping since he has no money and helping him get a new car, etc. And all this time I was dying to tell him that I loved him. Because I did and I do and I’ve never said those words to any man before. Ever. So one night I told him and he gave me a cookie. Then sent me home. And he text me and told me we could still be friends if I stopped loving him. So of course, I stopped (BAHAHAHA!!!!) so I figured I would stuff my feelings (although happy that they were known) in order to remain friends with him. So that’s where we’re at now. Sorta of…I mean…Tina knows that we are talking again and she’s not happy. But we haven’t communicated at all (since that text in October.) And Michael doesn’t really want to be friends with me. He complains about everything I do, he isn’t thankful for what I try to help with and every time I’m there he says “Why are you here again?” and “Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Jerk. Jerk jerk jerk! If you don’t want me over there just say so in the first place! My puzzle is ugly, and I don’t say drinking fountain right, and I say things that are unnecessary to say and nothing I EVER do is good enough for him.

THEN…yesterday, I got a flat tire. And I called my other friends first and no one could help me. So of course I called Michael. But I didn’t want to because I knew he probably wouldn’t answer or he would be a jerk. And of course he didn’t let me down. He came to help me, but he was the biggest asshole about it and made me cry. He was dragging his feet and acting like it was MY fault that I was on the side of the highway. He was acting like I WANTED to be there, like I planned it or something so that I could spend time with him! What a freaking idiot! I did NOT want to be there. I did NOT want to call him. And I certainly did NOT want to be crying on the side of the highway 6 inches away from this man I love and reminisce about the last time he rescued me on the road. And how last time was what started it all.

The problem is that this whole time, I’ve been under the impression that he secretly wanted me. That he was secretly lonely, that he secretly felt so pressured by Tina being controlling and that he wanted to be with me but he just couldn’t because he was scared, scared of change, scared of starting over in a rocky relationship, scared of telling his parents, scared of hurting Tina. I thought he wanted to be treated different, and have my mama love him. But I was wrong.

So at the moment, I’m hurt by him and his actions and his words. But of course, these feelings won’t last.

They never do.