It’s been a year now and I am much more okay then I was. I used to think of this blog as my only outlet for my tears and insane ideas. Now, I only update when something is pressing or old feelings come back up.
It’s odd because, when him and I were together, I used to think I couldn’t ever picture what life was like before him and I didn’t know what things would be like if they ever changed…but now I feel opposite. I can’t even remember what it was like to have him be at work, or what it felt like for him to speak to me. Now, his touch, his voice, his image, are only shadows. And shadows aren’t as strong as memories. I used to have such a vivid awareness of the gaping hole in my heart, I used to think I would never be able to laugh again, or get out of bed again, or ever be in love again. And for awhile, that was true. I did stay in bed, and cry, and everyone around me saw the gaping hole inside of me, but then, ever so slowly, things just changed. I remember the first day I laughed again. The first day after the “break-up” that I felt truly okay enough to actually laugh. It was in July, I was at my best friends house and we were playing Phase Ten and eating cookies off of toilet paper because she had no plates. We started singing some country song alternating each word between the two of us, and we laughed until our sides hurt. My checks were sore. It was so liberating to think that I was finally free from this stupid boy memory holding me down.
I still think about him sometimes, like when I have a craving for Green Tea or when anyone mentions the word “organic”. I take a different way to work every day so I don’t pass his house, and I’ve erased all pictures and songs that have to do with him, which helps a lot. I don’t wear his socks to bed anymore or set his stuffed bunny on the bed. Things are a lot better and I’ve grown accustomed to the way things are. It’s not that I’ve healed or the hole is gone, it’s still very much there, just as big as ever, left from a lifetime of childhood sexual abuse, a father who disappeared, brutal bullying in high school and of course, this boy. It’s just that, things have sort of grown over it now so it’s not quite so noticeable. It’s like a hole in the yard with grass grown over it. You’ll still break your ankle if you step in it, but when taking a picture of the lawn no one would know.
But I’m sure somewhere in the future, some counselor will find it and cut out the grass and I’ll have to deal with it. Until then, I am just trying to be okay and accept life as it is now. A few months ago I never really thought I could say that, but time just takes it sweet time healing.
To read the story of what happened between me and this boy, click here: The Way Better Version
