The Top Ten Things I am SICK of hearing February 2, 2010

1. “Still?” –  (aka you STILL think about him? You STILL aren’t over him? It STILL hurts?) YES STILL! People act like “that was so last year” aren’t you over it by now? As if just a few months should clear it all up and I should wake up and be just peachy, not a care in the world. It’s not like it’s been years people!

2. “Isn’t he engaged?” –  Um, yes he is. Thank you captain obvious. When people say this it makes me feel like they think that when someone is engaged or taken in any form, you should be able to just magically turn off your love for them and move on. As if I should say “Oh, darn, he’s engaged, I guess I’ll stop loving him now.”

3. “Just get over it/ Let it go” – Ug! YOU let it go! It’s not like that. I have never, ever, EVER just plan ol’ “let go” of anything and I’m certainly not going to start now.

4. “You could do so much better then him” – this is the “make-her-think-he’s-bad-so-she’ll-get-over-him” tactic. And it doesn’t work! It just makes me extra defensive. One of my friends tried to help me make a list of everything annoying about him so I could just meditate on those and then stop liking him. So I did make a list – but a lot of those flaws are WHAT I like about him, and those are what makes him, him. And what boy doesn’t have flaws or annoying habits? I mean come on, even Prince Charming is always on a horse – that’s got to get annoying eventually.

5. “He’s gay, he’s a loser, he’s an asshole, etc” – same as #4. People try to degrade him to make me think I don’t really want him. But I love the gay things about him and he is most certainly NOT a loser. And every boy in the world can be an asshole.

6. “She’s ugly, she’s stupid, she’s a bitch, etc” – no she’s not any of those things. Girls always try to do this to each other by making someone feel like they are better than the “other girl” but that’s so not true here. I am not better then her. She’s pretty. She’s smart. And, if you leave her bf alone, I hear she’s pretty nice .

Plus even if any of those things were true – so what? Again it doesn’t change anything. What if her name was Beatrice and she weighed 285 lbs and had acne on every inch of her skin and she couldn’t add 1+1? SO WHAT!? That still doesn’t change the fact that she is what he wants. It’s not like a higher IQ score would make me feel any better.

7. “They deserve each other” – again degrading both of them. As if they are both so terrible that they must be made for each other. I don’t think that and I wish people wouldn’t say that – it’s again that “make-her-think-he’s-bad-so-she’ll-get-over-him” tactic

8. “Do you want me to chop his balls off?” – While I appreciate the way my friends stand up for me when I’m hurt, I’ve grown particularly tired of this question. People, for some reason, think that if they were to remove his manliness, it would somehow fix things or make me feel better. But how? What would that solve!? Absolutely nothing. He would still be sitting there in his room, and I would still be here. Even if I got five minutes of a smile knowing that he was suffering some portion of the pain I feel, it’s not his balllessness would really make me (or him) feel better in any way.
And to answer the question, no, I do not want anyone to cut his balls off. Just FYI

9. “Win him back” – I understand that people are just trying to be kind and encouraging and I DO appreciate it but it’s not like Michael is a prize to be won. I don’t want to “win” him. Love is not a competition, it’s a choice. And I would hate to force any person to be with me who truly didn’t want to. What I just really want is for him to WANT to love me and WANT to be with me, without me bribing him or cornering him or convincing him.

10. “Tell Tina what happened” – this is at the very bottom of the list because I don’t really hate hearing this one. Sometimes I actually think this is a good idea. But I just don’t think she would listen. And even if she did – it’s not like we’d be friends like I want us to be. And even if we were, then I really couldn’t be friends with Michael on any level. Which, would really be okay, if Tina really was my friend. But she’s not and I don’t think she’d even listen to me if I tried to tell her, thus my attempting to be friends with Michael.

Anyways – I love you guys and thanks for repeatedly telling me all ten really annoying things above.

Expectations and Wishes February 2, 2010

I am trying to be mature about this, I really am. I am trying to not have unrealistic expectations. But it’s really hard! I just don’t understand the contradiction of his life. His roommate swears up and down that he’s slipping into clinical depression – he NEVER leaves his room except on some weekends to get Tina. His roommate said he barely even lets the dog out anymore.  Two of his professors were my friends last semester and they told me he hardly ever came to class and even then he looked like crap. So what’s the deal? Why is he so unhappy?

I’ve called him a few times since that one time he answered. He hasn’t answered since. I texted him once and he text me back once, then me, then…nothing. Just silence. I’m worried about him. If he is so upset he has to stay in his room and he has not even enrolled for this semester yet…then something’s wrong. I just want to tell him - If Tina makes him happy – go for it. If that is what he wants then he should move to her town and go to her college and marry her! I’m serious! There is not point in him hanging out here being so alone and sad! And if she’s not what makes him happy – then WHAT THE HECK IS HE DOING!? It’s just frustrating. I’m worried about him. I don’t want him to be dying inside and not tell anyone. I don’t want him to be lonely and not have someone to turn to. I don’t want him to be in his room watching movies ALL day when he could be doing so much with his life.

I just want him to be in my life so bad. I want to know that he’s okay. I want to tell him about everything new in my life and about my classes and my new puppy and all the things he’s missed since he’s been gone. And I want him to tell me, and laugh with me. And I want him to be my best guy friend.  And sure, there will be times when he gets out of my car that I want desperately to kiss him and there will be opportunities to move the boundaries of friendship. But I can handle it I swear. I swear it. I am okay with being friends and I won’t push for anything else – I won’t even hope for it. If he marries her, but I know in my heart he’s my friend and he cares about me as a human being and I get this closure where when I see him my heart doesn’t ache and tears don’t burn my eyes and I know he just doesn’t hate me – then that would be more than I could ever ask for.

Closure: Everything I Wanted, But Now What? January 19, 2010

Last Monday I spent time with one of Tina’s close friends, who is also a friend of mine, but whom I have not spoken with for several months. Of course the subject of Michael and Tina came up and I told the truth. This friend suggested that I tell Tina the truth, and attempt some sort of closure with her, and I sincerely thought about her proposal. I even went home and wrote about how I so desperately wanted to be friends with Tina. I want closure with one of them, Dammit! But that’s just impossible. I can’t be friends with both of them – it’s like N’sync and Backstreet boys in third grade – you cannot like them both. You just can’t. So I weighed out my options deciding I would pursue some sort of closure and/or friendship with one of them. But who?

I am a walking pathetic thing I am – some days I wear this silly plastic purple ring Tina bought me and I wear Michael’s Puma socks, and I drink green tea and fry pickles just like we used to and well truth be told: I miss them both and some days one more then the other. So in thinking, I decided I would try for closure with Michael first and if that failed I would immediately pursue something with Tina – begging desperately for her to forgive me and not hate me. My goal would NOT be for her and Michael to break up at all – I wouldn’t even suggest that to her. I would simply tell her my part, beg for her forgiveness and maybe we could be friends. She could date Michael and then her and me could hang out and he would be one of those things we just don’t really talk about.

Considering all options I decided to go for closure with Michael FIRST. (I feel like a politician the way I scheme things out to see what would work best for me. Am I really that selfish? I want so anxiously for people to like me, I always try to play my cards in the right way to make that happen.)

I sat at Starbucks about a mile from his house last Tuesday and called him. It went to voicemail and I hung up. I rehearsed my planned voicemail about how I was at Starbucks for the next few hours and I would like for him to join me in a no-pressure, friend, closure, sorta thing. I kept practicing until I felt ready to call him back and leave my message with confidence. Ring. Ring. Ring. “Yes?” He answered. My heart completely stopped as I spewed out my perfectly rehearsed voicemail and turned it into a rushed, stuttering, stumbling mess. I told him I was at Starbucks and I would love for him to meet me. He said “not today” and my heart sank. I knew this conversation would end up just like the last one, where he says “maybe later” and then hangs up before I have a chance to beg. I tried to make my expectations sound low, telling him we didn’t have to talk about anything, and how I just wanted this as a one-time thing and then I would leave him alone (yeah right) and I just wanted some closure. When I got to the closure part he interjected,

“Well, I feel fine.” UGG HE IS SUCH A JERK! (but I like that about him )

“Well, I’m so glad ONE of us does” I said sarcastically. I told him about the drinking and the partying and the way I’ve let boys’ attention guide my life. He said he couldn’t believe that a person like me would let something like “this” ruin me. But he doesn’t understand it was everything to me. Everything from my past and everything I had hoped for my future all accumulated into this one summer, with this one song, with this one boy. The rejection from my father, the sexual molestation, the rotten girl in high school who turned my life into hell, it was all of it piled into one thing: Michael was a good man, something I didn’t know existed. He was the first man I ever trusted. And he was the ideal of everything I had always hoped of for my future: smart, beautiful, sensitive and argumentative; politically minded and full of life; a passion for the things that really matter in life, and most of all: strong arms to wrap around me at night.

We talked for about 45 minutes and the conversation was heavenly. I made him laugh a few times and even got him talking, sharing a story with me about how he met a rude female cop awhile back. I knew it was time to go, and then he said,

“Well, call me back later and maybe I’ll be more talkative next time. Maybe eventually we could work up to meeting or something.”

“Okay, bye!” I hung up. I squealed. I couldn’t believe he said that! I still can’t! Talk about closure! It was perfect. It was everything I wanted, exactly what I pictured. But now I’m stuck. Utterly and completely stuck with a dumb choice I almost wish I didn’t have to make.

The choice to “let it be” is something I’ve never faced before. Not like this. Not when it’s really a choice. Not when it’s really MY choice. I thought closure would be great – and it was. But now I am faced with a choice I have never had before. Do I call him back? Do I settle with closure or push for more? I got what I wanted; we are on a good note now, so why ruin it? What if I call him back and he regrets what he said earlier? What if he didn’t really mean it? What if I call him back and he says “no, leave me alone” and hangs up. What if I ruin the perfect closure I got?

Or say that doesn’t happen – say he does answer and want to meet but then what? What about after one meeting when I’m left wanting more? What if I say something or he says something that leaves me hurt and yet again laying on my bed crying for “closure”? I got it on a good note, so why should I push it?

I know myself well enough to know that of course I will risk it but I’m truly scared of making a wrong choice here. I know my heart is hoping that maybe that’s not the way it will happen. Maybe, just maybe by some slim slim chance, I’ll call him back and he’ll answer on the first ring. And what if he wants to meet at Starbucks and over coffee we laugh and some part of him is awakened. This part of him that suddenly remembers what it was like to throw brownie mix on me at work or play hours upon hours of Nertz…this part of him that thinks back to a night of smoking tobacoo out of his pipe and watching shooting stars in the backyard…what if, I don’t get closure at all, but instead get back a friendship that was lost?

Do I chance it? Do I try it at the risk of ruining the closure I received and wounding myself more? Do I risk getting into deep water yet again – by spending time with a man who is, in all senses of the word, otherwise engaged?

He didn’t have to say that. He could have just said “good-bye.” But he didn’t. And I I don’t have to call him back. But of course, I will.

Staying up until 6am Crying Over Your ex is Always a Good Sign January 5, 2010

Not really. Actually, that’s a really bad sign. Especially when he wasn’t even your ex. He was just a boy who was anything but just a boy to you. He was your first kiss. He was, in fact, just the boy to whom you very first loved and the one of whom you swear you will never get over.

My worst fears have been proven right before my eyes. Another boy came in to my life recently and he likes me. A lot. Five minutes after the first date he called me and wanted to see me again the next day. He calls me to tell me goodnight, he calls me to tell me good morning, he texts me every day. When we are together he can’t stop holding my hand or playing with my hair or telling me my eyes are pretty. Things Michael never did in public. This boy doesn’t have a girlfriend, he doesn’t have mood disorders or a deep dark past. He goes to church, has brown eyes and brown hair, and he’s really sweet. Perfect right?

Except, I don’t like him. On the first date I asked him if he likes green tea. He’s never even tried it. He;s only been to starbucks twice in his life and he doesn’t give a rip about the planet. THEN for the real kicker – at the end of the date he put on some crapola  chapstick. I want a boy with Toms shoes and organic tea. I want a “green” boy who gripes about saving the planet and carries a coffee thermos like it’s a life-line, and has Burts Bees chapstick.  I want an unhealthy boy who is slightly eccentric, a little bit of a bad side, but enough good to keep me out of trouble.

And honestly, even if this new boy had every single one of the things I mentioned above…it still wouldn’t be enough. The bottom line is, I don’t like him because he’s not Michael.

We had the really awkward boundaries/defining the relationship conversation tonight. He told me he didn’t want to make me feel pressured at all but that he loved being with me and he didn’t want to lose me. I told him I really just wanted to be friends right now because I told him I’m not quite over my previous relationship. And that’s really an understatement.

How come out of sight out of mind doesn’t really work for me?

It almost makes it worse. Since May Michael has been all I’ve thought about. I’ve been on Christmas break for three weeks and he’s still in my thoughts and dreams and prayers and plans just as much as he was during out summer friendship.

I’m just not ready to let go. I don’t know how. Actually, I think I probably do know how, I guess I really just don’t want to. That’s the bottom line: I don’t want to let go of Michael Wood.  I’m not ready to give up hope that there is still a chance he will bring some closure in my life by being my friend. I still believe that he will meet me for coffee and remember who I really am and his anger will just go away.

I still believe that maybe, just maybe, Michael Wood could come around and be my friend and we could have very very clear boundaries set up for our friendship. (Like no hanging out and watching movies.) And I still believe, not believe really, just zealously and passionately hope that Tina would see me and understand. And she would know I did nothing out of vicious intent and she could forgive me. And we could be friends and hang out sometimes.

And they could live happily ever after and I’ll be a some-what happier person with my closure and reconciled friends. **sigh** Until then, I suppose I shall live with puffy eyes and give up any means of sleep.

On the 4th day of Christmas I gave my true love 1 Startrek DVD, 1 box of mike and ikes, 1 Starbucks giftcard and a Colorado thermos! January 4, 2010

SOOOO sorry I have not posted. Life has been ridiculous recently. But I promise now to update you on all the Michael scandals and new outrageous things happening in my life!

Well lets starts with what happened in December before Christmas break.

Ok so. I got Michael these gifts. YES I KNOW it was silly to do and stupid and blah blah blah. But bad ideas are my thing, remember? So, first I put a starbucks giftcard in his mailbox. With no “to” or “from” of course. And then I saw his bike parked in front of this building on campus so I got the thermos I had bought him from Colorado over thanksgiving. I put it on his bike and I staked a camp-out at the library .

One of my professors had stopped me earlier in the day, saying “You know that gentlemen of yours?” I nodded. “Something is wrong with him.” I froze as I intently waited for my professor to continue. “He’s wearing these hideous blue skinny jeans…and that’s just too much for me. I mean something is really wrong and you are doing so fine without him.” I love my professors.  I giggled to myself and continued on my way.

So, of course it was no surprise when Michael came sauntering out toward his bike wearing those neon pants. I knew everyone held the common view with my professor – that those were the most disgusting jeans a person has ever seen. And they are. They were so Michael Wood. They were so wrong. So out-of-place. So special. Just like him. One of a kind. I LOVE those jeans. Anyways enough about the skinny jeans. As he was walking to his bike all these fears started attacking me. One right after the other I became petrified. What if he know it’s from me and just leaves it on the ground? Or what if he just throws it away? What if he hates it and thinks it’s really dumb? What if he’s stupid and he really has no clue who it’s from? He has to know, right?!

He began examining the thermos carefully, looking inside and under it, like he thought it might be a bomb.  He kept examining it while I squealed from my library camp-out. THEN – it was epic! – with this perplexed look on his face, he took it and put in it his backpack! Horray horray!  He took it!!! For some reason that just really satisfied something in me that he didn’t acknowledge it was from me and leave it there to rot.

That was all I was planning on doing, those were the only gifts I had for him, but THEN I went to walmart. I went to buy pirate attire for this play I was auditioning for, but what kind of walmart has pirate attire in mid-December? Well obviously not this one. So I wondered around aimlessly – passed the candy isle and decided I wanted mike and ikes. His favorite candy. We shared some together the night of my car accident. And then we shared a box one night at his house while watching a movie. So I bought three boxes. THEN I had to turn around and see the dumb stand with the new special edition Star trek DVD.

You know how when people get a good idea in a cartoon a light bulb pops on top of their head? Yeah well I wish that would happen to me – except it would be like a flashing red light that says “BAD IDEA!” then everyone would know I’m being stupid and they would stop me. Lol. I mean the poor walmart clerk doesn’t know I am a crazy half ex-girlfriend spending $25 on a movie I have never seen nor have any intention of watching once I purchase it. She doesn’t realize I am spending my gas money to spoil a boy who is probably going to throw these things in the dirt.

So then my epic “lets-get-attention-from-Michael-by-giving-him-dumb-gifts” plan continued. I wanted to make sure he knew they were from me. I have this ribbon that I wear in my hair sometimes, and I decided to cut it in half and put half in my hair and the other half I tied to the DVD. (This is some intense planning right here…sheesh…I amaze myself!) I decided I would plan for him to “accidentally” bump into me with the ribbon in my hair…then when he saw the same polka-dotted ribbon on his DVD he would know FOR SURE that all these gifts were from me.

I cannot believe I even did this. I am amazed I passed the 7^th grade. This is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever done. Actually, I venture to say this is THE most pathetic thus far.  I sat outside one of my professors offices, trying desperately to make it look like I was waiting to meet with him for some reason. I knew that Michael had a class right down the hall. So I put the DVD on the bike, ribbon in my hair and sat down outside my profs office. Michael came out of class, and saw me with the ribbon in my hair just like planned. I then pounced to the door and watched him collect the Startrek on his bike.

He acted like there was a DVD on his bike every day. He didn’t even glance twice at it, picked it up and put it in his backpack like it was routine. Then he checked his mail and got his Mike & Ikes. I just wonder what he thought of all this.

I haven’t talked to him since that phone conversation a few weeks ago. I wonder so many things. I have so many unanswered questions. I want to know what he thinks of all this. Does he think I’m obsessed? Or just plain crazy? Does he know that I miss him, or does he think I’m just trying to get revenge? Does he know I want to be his friend, or does he think I am trying to “win him back”? What does Tina think? What does she know? What did he tell her that wasn’t true? Did he tell her about the gifts?

I am not trying to bribe him, or win him back – I checked even my deep down motives – I honestly just want his attention. I want his friendship. I just want him in my life.   In almost any form.

Anything To Ease The Pain December 6, 2009

I’ve only been out drinking and partying just a few times. Like literally I went to my first one a week and a half ago. I’ve been about 3 times. But I’m sure every alcoholic starts somewhere. And so far the hangovers aren’t that bad. I try to be responsible about it – I always have a designated driver and I don’t drink more then I can handle. It’s just part of the college life, right?! Wrong. I can sluff it off as that but I know more than anyone this has nothing to do with “the college life.” It’s just anything to ease the pain. Anything to get my mind off him. Anything to make me laugh or have a good time. And I’m not an alcoholic. Not yet.

It’s so peculiar because everyone knows the whole party scene was never apart of my life. I wasn’t even headed in that direction. No one was ever worried about that with me. Some of my friends didn’t even BELIEVE me when I said I went to a party. They thought I was kidding. I wasn’t. I made straight A’s in a college prep high school. I didn’t cuss or smoke. I never snuck out – and I’ve never wanted or needed to. I don’t lie to my mom, and she’s never held me back from doing what I want. So why the sudden change? It’s not like I’ve been suppressed and I’m rebelling against authority or anything.  No. I’m rebelling against myself. Against my core being. Maybe I WANT to ruin my life. Maybe I WANT to be in pain. I’m rebelling against my conscience. Against my own standard of living. It’s my cry of help. To myself. To God. To Michael. But he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how alone I’ve been, or how I’ve been dealing (or rather not dealing) with my loss. He probably thinks it was just a crush. He thinks I’ll be fine, I’ll just get over it. He thinks I just liked him. He has no idea how he was my world. How he made me smile. How my heart fluttered at the thought of him and how I lived my summer counting down the seconds until I could work with him again. He thinks it was just puppy love.

And sure, I’ll get over it. I mean sure I’ll find some boy someday, and he’ll be decent and we’ll get married, have a life together and it will be fine. But it will only be fine. Because he won’t be the same as Michael. No one will. I will always just have second best. Because no matter what any boy tries to do he won’t be Michael. And it’s not like Michael was perfect. Not at all. He was negative and stubborn. He complained a lot and he was so anal about silly things. He has mentally unstable family members, very dishonest tendencies, a horrid taste in music and he was the most insecure man I have ever met. But it was okay. I loved his flaws. Even the ones he thinks I don’t know about. Like about his trouble letting go of things too – like his first college relationship.

I’m beginning to feel like so what? I know drinking underage is dangerous. And I could get put in jail. And get kicked off my campus. And lose my reputation and my friends. And I could get raped. I know that. I know it’s dumb to go out and party and get really really drunk. But it helps me forget. At least for a few minutes. And so what if I get put in jail? So what if I get in big trouble? So what if I get STD’s? Does it really matter anymore? If I can’t have Michael then why bother with life? Does anything matter if life will never be perfect again? Obviously I think those things do matter, at least a little, or else I wouldn’t be fretting so much about it – but sometimes I want to give up. On everything. On myself and who I really am. On life. Because he is with her.

And if he wants her – that’s fine. That’s fine by me. I don’t want anyone to be with me who doesn’t want to. The problem is I am not convinced of that. I am not convinced that he is totally happy where he is at. I think he was just scared. Scared of starting over. He was in a stable relationship so why mess it up? Part of him didn’t want to risk it.

Part of him did.

She is so mean to him. She called him a faggot once when she got mad at him. She controls him like a puppy on a leash – it was so crazy when I saw them together – he was a completely different person. She was such a jerk to him. She didn’t listen to him, or encourage him, all they did was fight. And he was confused. He thought about what it would be like to have me. To have me there. To boost his ego and hold him at night. He thought about what is would have been like to start over. And to not fight constantly. And to be listened to. He thought about it. But the risk was so big for him at that time. I would have been scared too. A longer and thus more “stable”, controlling relationship has a lot of pull for a man who is scared to be alone. But I would have been his cheerleader. His little red-head. His baby. I would have spoiled him (And I still do – look at these gifts on my desk right now…uggg) But shes tall. And pretty. And skinny. And funny. And not awkward like me. And. She puts out. And I didn’t. And that, my friend, sucks.

So One Time, My Head Fell Off December 3, 2009

Okay. So I decided not to give him those gifts I mentioned earlier…I decided instead to do something even more stupid.

I don’t know why I did it. I just did. I wish I could tell you what force compelled me to pick up my phone. And unlock it. And go to my contacts. And scroll down to his name. And I wish more than anything I could explain why I pressed his name, and why I didn’t hang up when it started ringing. I have called him before. Just once or twice before Thanksgiving. Not obsessively. Just curiously to see if he would answer. I’ve never left a message and I don’t plan on it.  I knew that much, because no one wants a long pathetic emotional message that he could replay and use in his defense for my craziness. Lol so I decided I would just call and he wouldn’t answer just like he usually does and I would just hang up. It rang 3 and half times. Then it stopped ringing. And I waited for his voicemail to start.

“Yes?” his voice stunned me into an immovable state of shock. I froze. I thought about hanging up. I thought about screaming. I thought about crying. I thought about a lot. But all I said was “hi.” I said it so calm and collected like this was completely routine and I didn’t have a care in the world.

“Hi” he said. “How are you doing?” I asked. “Good” he replied. I can’t remember if he asked me how I was doing or not. I told him that I missed him and I just wanted to see how he was.  ”I’m surprised you answered” I told him honestly. “Well, I knew I was going to have to talk to you again eventually even though I have reason to not talk to you for a very very long time.” He made it sounds like a punishment. Like he knew he would HAVE to go through this someday. Like I am such a terrible person to talk to.

“Not to be crass. But I have reason to not talk to you for a very long time.” He repeated. His voice knocked me out cold. Why did he have reason to not talk to me? I had to take time to process each word because it was all mumbo jumbed in my head. “If anyone has reason to be mad here, it’s me. And I’m not.” I pointed out. “Well, I think we both have reasons.” He’s stubborn. I love that about him. Ugg. Anyways, since I was on the stupid idea truck I thought I might as well squeeze as much stupidity out of me as I could so I continued, “I was wondering if you would like to grab some coffee sometime. We don’t have to talk anything out or anything. We could just catch up on each others lives…I mean it doesn’t have to be all complicated. We could just…be…friends.”

Silence.

“You probably think that’s a bad idea…” I mumbled quickly to try and back myself up… He was quiet for just a moment longer before he said “I’ll think about it. Bye” But it was more all squished together and came out like, “Illthinboutit. bye” click. Dead. So that was it. I sat there in my car and was really shocked. I had to look at my call list a few times to make sure that I DID actually call him.

It took me several hours to sort through what had happened and figure out what I felt about it, so that’s why I didn’t write earlier. Because I still couldn’t decide what I thought. My first immediate reaction was shock. I couldn’t believe he answered. I couldn’t believe I actually got to talk to him again. I couldn’t believe he said what he did. Once that all soaked in – which was about 2am last night, I got angry. Really angry. And I thought about blogging then but you wouldn’t have even been able to understand it because it would have gone something like “who fuck does fucker he motherfucking think he is. He fucking is so fucking fucked up.” I couldn’t even see straight I was so angry. So I just typed a lot and tended to way over-use the word fuck and totally out of context too. hehe!

This morning I was still angry. I went to work, still angry. Ate dinner, still angry. I went out to a movie with one of my friends – still…upset. Not angry. And now. It’s gone. I’m not angry. I think I have successfully slipped back into my pathetic whiney little “oh I miss him!” phase.

I wanted to say, “Well. Not to be crass, but I have reason to chop your penis off and then jab a fork down your throat!” I mean I’m not angry at him anymore…even though I want to be, but it still just doesn’t make sense to me. WHY is HE mad at ME!? What did I do!? I don’t understand! What did I do to HIM?!

Who ended up alone in this situation?! ME! Whose heart got broken!? MINE. Who lost a friend that they really cared about!? ME! Who is missing class, lying in bed being pathetic!? ME! He’s is FINE! He’s off with his girlfriend having a blast! He doesn’t miss me! He’s not sitting in his bed thinking about how I am doing! He didn’t lose anything here! He didn’t get his heart broken! He didn’t screw his life over! So WHY in the heck is HE mad at ME!? It just doesn’t make sense! HE kissed ME! HE invited ME over! HE led ME on! So I just don’t understand what I could have done aside from telling him we couldn’t hang out anymore since he wasn’t breaking up with his girlfriend. But even then I still wanted to be friends. Even then I still was nice and I still cared about him and I still didn’t do any of the things I could have. I could have called his girlfriend!! I could have told her everything he did! I could have been really angry and hateful! But I wasn’t. And I’m not.

I almost wish I could stay angry with him. Im sure I could if I really fostered it. But I don’t think anger helps any more then being pathetic. Because obsessing over hating him and revenge is just as bad as obsessing over missing him and being friends. So. As long as im gonna obsess I think im more comfortable and more socially acceptable to be pathetic and miss him.

Anyways. So now I still have those gifts. And I don’t know if I want to give them to him or not. And I don’t know if saying “Illthinboutit. bye” means he really will think about it. Will he? Doesn’t he even miss me? Can’t he see it would be so fun to just…talk. and be friends. and I’ll tell him about my thanksgiving and he can tell me about his. And I’ll tell him about work. And about the play I was in. And he can tell me about his life. And his classes. We don’t have to be best friends. We don’t have to hug and make-up and hang out every week.

I just want some closure here is that too much to ask?

Me and My Plans November 30, 2009

I have plans. Lots of them. Like sitting on his porch and wailing. Uncontrollably. For a  really long time. I really think I’ll do it some day. Soon. I wonder if he will just call the police right away? I wonder how long I will have to cry before he’ll call the police. Or maybe he’ll just ignore it and the neighbors will call for him. Will he come out and check? I’m sure he’ll know who it is. I would text him and beg him to  come out and talk to me. Would he? I have no idea. Would he throw things at me and tell me to shut up, would he be scared and just not know what to do? Or would he open the door…ever so slowly and gaze down at me with those brown eyes and say “come on” and offer his hand to help me up. And then he would let me sit on his couch and make me some tea. And we could talk. And be friends. And it would all just be okay. He can have Tina. He can love her and marry her. He doesn’t have to kiss me or love me, or even like me. He doesn’t have to spend time with me or call me. We could just be friends. Like when we see each other switching classes he could smile at me and I at him and we could just know that it’s okay and the past is in the past. Or we could like catch up over coffee every few months or something…

Anyways, my most recent plan, I think I should title it “Plan boy am I ever stupid.” I can never let things go. Ever. Why can’t I just accept that it’s over and move on? Maybe because I don’t want to. Or maybe because I honestly don’t know how. Or maybe it’s because of this stupid stupid STUPID hope bubbling deep inside of me that it’s not over. That he’s coming back and everything will all work out. I have this hope – like in New Moon where Edwards leaves for October….November…and December…and then comes back in Janurary! So I think Michael’s coming back in Janurary. And I think maybe over Christmas break he’ll realize he misses me. Even just as a friend. Fuck romance movies and books. I hate them. They’ve ruined me! I mean look at this! Things don’t always work like the Notebook. Sometimes people honestly leave. Somethimes love really just doesn’t work out.

But sometimes it does. And sometimes people come back. And sometimes things take a turn in a way you never thought they could. But how do you know when to pray for a miracle and when to burn pictures? Anyways, “Plan boy am I ever stupid” goes like this:

While I was visiting the great state of Colorado for Thanksgiving break…I bought him a souvenir. I couldn’t help it. It fit him to perfectly. I didn’t really know what I was going to do with it, I just bought it. So I’ve been thinking…and I think I have a really bad idea that I will most definitely pursue! I want to give him stuff. Not only the Colorado water bottle – but other gifts too. So I went to Starbucks today and got him a giftcard and a CD. And he loves geocaching so I wanted to “gift upgrade” his account there.

I don’t think I’m going to give him any of these in person. I was thinking the water bottle, I’ll just put on his bike during his 9:30 class Tuesday morning. And the starbucks card I can put in his school mailbox. And the geocaching thing is online. I haven’t decided if I want to spread these out somewhat over a few days or just one day.

I’m not sure what I am trying to prove by doing this. I don’t want to “buy” his love back, and I’m not trying to bribe him into anything. I may be trying to buy his attention somewhat…but I think my strongest motivation is really to show him that I want to be his friend. This no-talking thing is really complicated because you don’t ever know what the other person is thinking. So for all I know, he could be thinking that I hate his guts and I am plotting evil plans to kill him. (Those plans I will save for another blog…lol **wink** )

And I’m not sure what I am expecting as a response? Maybe a text message would be nice. Even if it says “why the heck are you buying me stuff?” Surely he’ll know they’re all from me. I’m sure he will. He doesn’t know anyone else on campus that would randomly give him gifts. But what if he doesn’t say anything? What if I never even know for sure if he beyond a shadow of a doubt received all of them and knows they are from me? Maybe I’ll text him. I don’t know. Boy I’m losing my head.

Apparently stupid plans are just my thing at 2:30am

Thankful November 24, 2009

Today was so hard because I just know…he would have fit so perfectly.

There is one extra space at our Thanksgiving table. No one notices it except me. But there’s room. Perfect room for one extra chair. One extra heart beating. And he would fit.

He would sit on the couch and talk to my brothers – they are discussing politics right now.  My mom pulled over in the mountains so I could geocache for a second. We went on an amazing cave tour up in the Springs. He would have loved it.

He could have been here. He could have seen this. He could have sat in the hot springs and gone on the hike and taken pictures of the gorgeous Colorado river literally in my brothers backyard. He could have been a part of my family. They would have loved him. And he would have fit in.

I dreamt about the drive up here…how I would fall asleep on his shoulder, how we would play games in the car and talk about the trees and take pictures.

And on this Thanksgiving Day…I am thankful. I do not regret it one bit. I do not regret him. I do not regret what happened. I don’t regret giving him my heart although he still has it and it hurts like hell trying to make it through life with only pieces of it. But I still don’t regret it. I don’t regret that night I crawled up on his lap and he held me for hours. I don’t regret the time I spent with him or the things I said. I don’t regret that wonderful Tuesday night that I let him steal my first kiss. And my second. And third. And I certainly don’t regret falling in love with him. It hurts really bad somedays… well, actually, a lot of days, and I really wish things wouldn’t have ended the way they did. I wish he would smile when he sees me. I wish we could be friends. I wish he would text me and tell me it’s all okay and he doesn’t hate my guts. I wish his girlfriend could know that I didn’t mean to hurt her and that…somedays…I miss her friendship too.

Anyways I am thankful that it happened and I wish it wasn’t over. And I know, I just KNOW, it would have been perfect. And for some reason, that gives me some sort of peace.

How it Happened November 23, 2009

I’m not sure how it happened. It’s not like I woke up one morning and realized I was more addicted to him then life itself. It’s not like one morning I realized I couldn’t live without him or that I thought of nothing other than him. It was a slow process. Like a venomous water spill that slowly spreads it’s path broader and broader until it has consumed the entire surface. I met him in March when he got a job where I worked. We became friends and before I knew it, I realized I like him. A lot. I didn’t think much of it – I didn’t think it was different than any other guy I had liked. When summer started I didn’t have classes to distract me anymore and my life became a big fantasy. I was utterly consumed. I lived for Fridays and Saturdays when we worked together. I lived for an excuse to text him, and the butterflies when he text me back or talked to me on facebook were incredible. Every day I would literally count down the hours till I got to see him again. He made me laugh. He was so fun to be around and talk with.

Summer was coming to a close and on my way home from work one night I got in a car accident. I text him and he came right away. Oh that fateful August night! I put my face in his chest and he held me. That was the first time we ever touched. He rubbed my back and patted my head. I never wanted to move. EVER. I wanted to make myself cry so he would hold me more but I couldn’t. That night all I could think about was those thirty seconds of bliss. He text me and told me he was glad I was okay. My inside hopes were soaring that he liked me but I kept telling myself he didn’t because I didn’t want to be disappointed.

That car accident was what changed it all. We text for a few hours that night, and then a few days after that he invited me over to his apartment. My heart was spastic as I drove over. I only stayed a few minutes, but later that night he text me “You make me smile so much I don’t know what to do.” He said he was confused (meaning not sure if he wanted our friendship to be more). He said it’s gotten to the point that he doesn’t want to work with anyone but me. The next night he invited me over again and I stayed till 4am. We watched a movie and he made tea for me. Thats how it started. For the next three weeks he would invite me over every few nights and we would watch movies and go outside and watch the stars. We talked and we did homework and he made me dinner and S’mores and we ate ice cream. It was perfect. Except for one thing that I left out. One minor detail that is important in this story…….He, um, sorta, kinda..maybe…has a girlfriend. I know I know, I’m a terrible person. I get it.

They had been dating since January, so the whole time I knew him. She moved in with him for the summer and got a job with us. She was a really cool person and we became friends, sortof. It was like this awkward paradoxical frienemy thing. But I liked it. I liked her. I thought she was a really cool person and we hung out together a little bit. But she knew I liked her boyfriend and I tried to be careful. I never wanted to ruin their relationship. I never wanted to “steal” him or hurt her. That was never my intent. And it still isn’t.

Well after a month and a half of hanging out with this boy (Because the girlfriend moved back to her college 2 hours away), I started to get more and more insecure. I knew that my dependency on him was getting really bad and I didn’t want to be friends with benefits and I CERTAINLY didn’t want to be just a day time girlfriend and let him have his other girlfriend on the weekend. I didn’t want be the other girl…I wanted to be THE girl. I tried to be patient and let him decide. I tried to convince myself that although he was taken…we weren’t doing anything wrong. We were after all JUST FRIENDS. But that venomous love poison spread ever so slowly and I got in too deep. One night we just stopped sitting on separate couches, then one night we started cuddling, then one night I stayed the night in his arms – his wonderful arms – cradled me in that bed. It just slowly kept escalating, until I could no longer conceivably justify that we were “just friends.”

One day it just all came crashing down. His facebook status had changed from “in a relationship” to “engaged”. That night we hung out and I asked him about it….he told me it just came up in conversation. I knew they hadn’t seen each other since she lives 2 hours away and has no car and his car had just broken down two days earlier. So they basically got engaged over the phone. I was really upset. And hurt. I asked him “So when you were kissing me four days ago were you thinking that you were going to be spending the rest of your life with her?!” “No” he told me. I sat on his couch and cried.

I hid my face in his big blue blanket and then tearfully looked up,”So what was this?” I asked him. “I think this was just a bad idea.” he answered.

We stopped talking after that, but I still really wanted to be friends. I went up to work and I would hang out with him a little – trying to show him I could be just his friend. It was awkward. And he was mad at me because people were talking about it at work. I told him I was sorry, and that I missed him. So, the first Sunday in October, I was driving way out by the mall…a little bit over and hour away from campus. Guess who I pass on the highway?! Yes, of course. It had to be. Him and his red jeep. And not only that…but she was there too. I waved at them – because as far as I knew at this point, she knew nothing and he and I were sort of friends. He waved back at me. So I passed them…and I thought everything was okay. But then my phone went off. twice. two text messages.

Two text messages from none other than Tina Cummins herself. And I quote “Real mature…Nice to see you to.” Second message: “You know, if you got something to say, I prefer you did it to my face because I would LOVE to take care of your problems. Understand? Stay away from us or I will mess you up.” the first thing my mom said is, “um, is she black?!” LOL. Anyways, while somewhat hysterical at the immaturity of this message, it still hurt. I didn’t want to mess them up or make everyone all mad. So my question is…what did he tell her to make her say that?? What does she think happened? So I thought…Poor boy! He has no clue what he’s dealing with. He doesn’t know that she was mean to me – he has no clue because he wouldn’t let her say that to me, right?! He is my friend…right?? He doesn’t know she said that to me…right?

The next day I went to work and waited. Waited for him to walk through that green door, coffee in hand. I waited until he put his stuff down and walked around for a little bit. Then I asked him, “Are you aware of the message your girlfriend sent me?” I didn’t want to know the answer. I wish he had lied.

He didn’t make any eye contact with me. He looked down at his phone. It hurt so bad. Then he got this smirk on his face, like he thought it was hilarious. “yes” he answered – still smiling. It burned me. It burned my heart. It burned my eyes. “thats all I needed to know” I said and I walked out. So that was it. That was the end.

So now here I am. Alone.  I see him around campus – much more often then I would like and not enough as I want. Somedays I am dying to see him, because I want to smile at him, or glare at him, or just see that he was real. And I crusade around campus looking, searching, on every bike rack and wondering aimlessly around scouting him out. And other days I don’t want to see him at all and I only leave my dorm for necessities – I duck my head down and pray that he wont see me, but I pray even more that I wont see him.

He lives right behind sonic. You can see his house if you park on the last stall. Sometimes I find excuses to go to sonic – to order a drink, or even to get nothing at all, I just park and sit there. And sometimes I go out of my way to drive all the way to the other sonic just so I don’t have to remember. But I always remember. I never forget. I never accidentally go to “his” sonic. I never walk by the bike rack without checking. I never drive by his house and not notice him and his jeep. I am always aware of where he is or could be. I am always aware when that jeep leaves on Friday to go pick up his girlfriend and then drive her back home on Sunday. I never drive by and think “oh, wow im making progress I forgot to look at his house!” I never wake up and think “finally!! I’ve stopped dreaming about him.”

I honestly believe I will never get over him. Ever. And I swear to it, I will never love another the way I loved him. Till the day I die I swear it’s true.

So now here I am just writing to anyone listening.    And YES, I am aware that I was stupid, you don’t have to tell me.